As the Christmas season is slllooowwllyy dwindling to a close, it makes me ecstatic to know I won't have Christmas music raping my ears any more. However, this season is not entirely humdrum and overbearing. It's the meaning behind the presents, behind the religiousness, and behind the insanity of spending every last dime you have just to complain while you stand in line for 30 hours as you look around and hear everyone else complaining about standing in line for 30 hours... etc... NO! The meaning behind this Christmas season, this specific Christmas in particular, is being with family and friends.
My family is very broken and in all parts of the U.S. My mom's side of the family lives in PA, with the exception of my cousin Starr who lives all the way out west in Idaho. My dad's side of the family lives in PA as well. My Dad lives in Horseheads, Mom lives with John in Millport, and my little sis lives in SC. I may not get to see everybody all the time, but I always know they're there if I need them.... AND I'll get to see my mom, and dad, and John, and Nik for Christmas which is the greatest feeling:) Maybe I'm just a sap. Well, I know I'm a sap.... but, I'm very excited to actually feel excited for Christmas.
Another reason I'm so excited for Christmas is Drew and his family. They make me feel so welcome and loved. For Pete's sake they let me live with them.... that's pretty nice and welcoming. I wish I could give them something more for Christmas. They've given me so much already. Drew has been the best part of this year, and having him as a boyfriend and a best friend is all the present I need this Christmas season. With all these people who care about me.... all my friends who are all over the place, the ones I don't talk to all the time, the ones I can't see all the time.... ALL this love all over the place is enough to make one want to explode! (eww.....)
So, with all my heart I want to thank you all for sharing your lives with me and making my life more full and worth while. Have a merry festivus........ or Christmahannakwanzaka.... and a partridge in a pear tree.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Remember, it'll be OKAY?...
There are no words to capture the feeling of missing someone. It's a hole in your heart. It's a pain that won't go away. It's an emptiness. It's all of those things, and none of those things. If you can relate, then I'm sorry.... no one should have to feel this way. If you can't relate, and I hope you can't, then congrats... I hope you never lose anyone in your life.
I don't want to be sad today. It's 3 years ago, today, that my grandma passed away. I want so bad to remember her and not be frustrated and cry, cry .... oh, do I cry! ugh! I have no way of telling her how much I miss her. No way of letting her know how dumb I was as a kid and how much she meant to me. I'm not writing this in hopes that she's looking down from heaven and can see how much I care for her still. I'm writing this in hopes that maybe I can lessen the pain in my heart for today.
My grandma, or Grams as I called her, was more like a mom to me. My sister and I lived with her and my father for almost 9 years. Before my sister was born, my mom, dad, and I lived with Grams and grandpa for about 2 years before we got our own place. Grams was a very sweet lady. She was funny. She loved to sing. She never wore make-up, just a little bit of lipstick to brighten her face.... oh, and on Halloween she loved to dress-up. She didn't swear. All these things don't even explain her to the fullest... there is no way I can make you understand how wonderful she was.
She had cancer. She had cancer on almost every organ in her body at one time or another. She didn't die because she had cancer. There was a hole in her small intestine... probably caused by the treatments for her cancer.... but the hole wasn't able to be operated on because her white blood cell count was so low..... and there was nothing anyone could do for her.
I feel like it's all my fault. Irrational? yup. Impossible? maybe. Why do I feel this way? so many, many reasons....
I digress. She's in a better place... she's not in pain anymore. She's in heaven with grandpa Bates and they're both looking down on us and smiling. Remember, it's okay. Everything is okay. It'll be alright........... when? WHEN WILL IT BE OKAY? 3 years. It's not okay yet. I'm not okay yet. Does it hurt any less? NO! It hurts more. There are events in my life that I want her to be here for. There are memories that I want to share with her. There are parts of her life that I want to know more about. I was far too young to ask her the questions I want to now. AND I'LL NEVER GET THE CHANCE!
Again, I digress.
I'm sorry to be so sad. I'm not emo. I'm not going to cry into my diary while i carve chunks out of my inner thigh...... eww, and ow. However, if that's how you cope, then cope away. I don't know how. Maybe I'm stuck being sad about this forever... I don't want to be. I want to wake up on December 15th every year and treat it like any other day. Oh well. Life goes on, until it doesn't anymore.....
I don't want to be sad today. It's 3 years ago, today, that my grandma passed away. I want so bad to remember her and not be frustrated and cry, cry .... oh, do I cry! ugh! I have no way of telling her how much I miss her. No way of letting her know how dumb I was as a kid and how much she meant to me. I'm not writing this in hopes that she's looking down from heaven and can see how much I care for her still. I'm writing this in hopes that maybe I can lessen the pain in my heart for today.
My grandma, or Grams as I called her, was more like a mom to me. My sister and I lived with her and my father for almost 9 years. Before my sister was born, my mom, dad, and I lived with Grams and grandpa for about 2 years before we got our own place. Grams was a very sweet lady. She was funny. She loved to sing. She never wore make-up, just a little bit of lipstick to brighten her face.... oh, and on Halloween she loved to dress-up. She didn't swear. All these things don't even explain her to the fullest... there is no way I can make you understand how wonderful she was.
She had cancer. She had cancer on almost every organ in her body at one time or another. She didn't die because she had cancer. There was a hole in her small intestine... probably caused by the treatments for her cancer.... but the hole wasn't able to be operated on because her white blood cell count was so low..... and there was nothing anyone could do for her.
I feel like it's all my fault. Irrational? yup. Impossible? maybe. Why do I feel this way? so many, many reasons....
I digress. She's in a better place... she's not in pain anymore. She's in heaven with grandpa Bates and they're both looking down on us and smiling. Remember, it's okay. Everything is okay. It'll be alright........... when? WHEN WILL IT BE OKAY? 3 years. It's not okay yet. I'm not okay yet. Does it hurt any less? NO! It hurts more. There are events in my life that I want her to be here for. There are memories that I want to share with her. There are parts of her life that I want to know more about. I was far too young to ask her the questions I want to now. AND I'LL NEVER GET THE CHANCE!
Again, I digress.
I'm sorry to be so sad. I'm not emo. I'm not going to cry into my diary while i carve chunks out of my inner thigh...... eww, and ow. However, if that's how you cope, then cope away. I don't know how. Maybe I'm stuck being sad about this forever... I don't want to be. I want to wake up on December 15th every year and treat it like any other day. Oh well. Life goes on, until it doesn't anymore.....
Friday, December 11, 2009
...And Now For Somethng Completely Different
HO! HO! HO! And a Merry almost Christmas to everyone. With the holiday on it's way I'm stuck here wondering " What would I do if there was a zombie apocalypse?".... have no fear kids, I've done far more than the credited hours of research to help you and I live through a zombie overthrow. So if you are wise you'll take a few minutes out of your daily schedule and gander over these fine helpful hints!
Tawni's Do's and Don'ts of a Zombie Apocalypse
Do: Make sure you have plenty of weapons! Baseball bats, pitch forks, hedge trimmers... or any sharp pointy object is very useful! Guns are great, but they run out of ammo. Try not to rely totally on the help of a firearm. Another handy tool for massacring the living dead is a blow torch and some gasoline.
Don't: A chair, a bicycle, and telephones when thrown at the face of a zombie will not bring the zombie down. COME ON PEOPLE!! Think rationally! Do honestly believe that hitting the undead with any kind of object that won't take their head off is effective at all?? If all you have around is stuffed animals and a set of matching velor pillows you cuddle up to every night, then put your head between your knees and kiss your arse good-bye.
Do: Having a posse around that has access to food, shelter, and weapons is very helpful. There are no more minorities, no reason to be racist, and most certainly this is no time to be pig-headed about whom you befriend. It's the living vs. the recently un-deceased.
Don't: Having a posse is great!... just don't get too attached. Having a friend for life or family member with you will only make you more susceptible to getting killed. If you can't picture living your life without the people you're running for your life with, then you're as good as dead. You've got to assume everyone is gonna die.... and I'm not saying that you shouldn't guard them with your life. What I'm saying is, if Granny Smith gets bit in the arm by a zombie... you better be willing to plunge a knitting needle through her ear, or it'll be you next.
Do: Look for other signs of life. If this is just a normal zombie outbreak, then animals are immune. Finding a home where the buffalo roam is a great idea....if they haven't been eaten yet, and you won't be either. However, if it's like 28 days Later, then animals can carry the virus and you're not safe around birds.
Don't: Being around the people you are with is great, be secure in knowing you have people to chat with....... So don't be dumb and go looking for other groups of living people. If you are in a safe and secure place, then stay there (unless you run out of supplies). If there are other living, breathing human beings out there let them find you.... and hope they have the cure (NOT the band the Cure, because they won't help you at all).
Do: Make the most of the situation. If you are lucky enough to be in a super Walmart* or held up in a mall, then consider yourself one of the people who are gonna make it through this blip in world history. If you're not one of those people, then just do the best you can with what you've got. Hopefully you'll be able to tell your story to the future generations.
Don't: Freak out! That helps no one, and going into hysterics only makes others root for your demise. You have to keep a level head or you're as good as dead.... good little saying to remember in case. Oh, and if you aren't the one freaking out, but you are in the presence of someone else who isn't taking the situation well, then try to be sympathetic..... or if you can't take it, slap them. It sounds harsh, but a good smack on the noggin might be what they need to snap out of their heightened hysteria.
Now, remember, I'm not an expert. I'm just a normal lady who has a ridiculous obsession with protecting the ones I love.... and a ridiculous obsession with horror movies. If worse comes to worse, then at least you've got these helpful hints. If not, then I'm just as crazy as Dwight Frye.....
Tawni's Do's and Don'ts of a Zombie Apocalypse
Do: Make sure you have plenty of weapons! Baseball bats, pitch forks, hedge trimmers... or any sharp pointy object is very useful! Guns are great, but they run out of ammo. Try not to rely totally on the help of a firearm. Another handy tool for massacring the living dead is a blow torch and some gasoline.
Don't: A chair, a bicycle, and telephones when thrown at the face of a zombie will not bring the zombie down. COME ON PEOPLE!! Think rationally! Do honestly believe that hitting the undead with any kind of object that won't take their head off is effective at all?? If all you have around is stuffed animals and a set of matching velor pillows you cuddle up to every night, then put your head between your knees and kiss your arse good-bye.
Do: Having a posse around that has access to food, shelter, and weapons is very helpful. There are no more minorities, no reason to be racist, and most certainly this is no time to be pig-headed about whom you befriend. It's the living vs. the recently un-deceased.
Don't: Having a posse is great!... just don't get too attached. Having a friend for life or family member with you will only make you more susceptible to getting killed. If you can't picture living your life without the people you're running for your life with, then you're as good as dead. You've got to assume everyone is gonna die.... and I'm not saying that you shouldn't guard them with your life. What I'm saying is, if Granny Smith gets bit in the arm by a zombie... you better be willing to plunge a knitting needle through her ear, or it'll be you next.
Do: Look for other signs of life. If this is just a normal zombie outbreak, then animals are immune. Finding a home where the buffalo roam is a great idea....if they haven't been eaten yet, and you won't be either. However, if it's like 28 days Later, then animals can carry the virus and you're not safe around birds.
Don't: Being around the people you are with is great, be secure in knowing you have people to chat with....... So don't be dumb and go looking for other groups of living people. If you are in a safe and secure place, then stay there (unless you run out of supplies). If there are other living, breathing human beings out there let them find you.... and hope they have the cure (NOT the band the Cure, because they won't help you at all).
Do: Make the most of the situation. If you are lucky enough to be in a super Walmart* or held up in a mall, then consider yourself one of the people who are gonna make it through this blip in world history. If you're not one of those people, then just do the best you can with what you've got. Hopefully you'll be able to tell your story to the future generations.
Don't: Freak out! That helps no one, and going into hysterics only makes others root for your demise. You have to keep a level head or you're as good as dead.... good little saying to remember in case. Oh, and if you aren't the one freaking out, but you are in the presence of someone else who isn't taking the situation well, then try to be sympathetic..... or if you can't take it, slap them. It sounds harsh, but a good smack on the noggin might be what they need to snap out of their heightened hysteria.
Now, remember, I'm not an expert. I'm just a normal lady who has a ridiculous obsession with protecting the ones I love.... and a ridiculous obsession with horror movies. If worse comes to worse, then at least you've got these helpful hints. If not, then I'm just as crazy as Dwight Frye.....
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
All Too Soon... Sooner or Later...
As another year of closes to an end, I'm just now creating what is sure to be the greatest blog page of all time, space, and dimension.... no wait.... what I mean to say is one of the greatest ways to waste time of all space and dimension. Pressing on to the topic at hand: The end of another year, the beginning of another adventure.
There are so many things that happen to one's self during the course of a year, it's hard to look back and remember all the important events that made the year a whole. I've realized this year, that there is more to life than there seems to be. Not to say I've been blind to the fact that life holds so many wonders... but I was very naive in thinking my life was to head down one certain path. There are so many people like me who go through life and stick to the safe route so not to get hurt or hurt others. Sometimes you've got to be more than just an android walking around sector 3-C, emotionless, useless, and only existing because you exist. For once, I feel like I'm living my life. I may not be cliff diving or being as extreme as one can be... but with one change in my life, I feel very much alive........ This would be the part where if I were any other kind of person, I'd say something like " My name is Tawni and I'd like to introduce you to the power of Christ....." BUT, I'm very much agnostic, and I've never been one for propaganda.... especially the church kind.
Actually, the only change I made in my life was taking a stand for myself. Finally getting the courage up to do something I was dying to do. It turned out for the best, and even if it didn't work out, at least I did something for myself. At least I didn't go one more day thinking "What if I do this?"..... LIFE IS TOO SHORT!! I'm only 25.... BUT I've been through a LOT!! I've seen friends come and go, I've loved and lost, I've beaten and been beat.... err... uh... no. I mean there is no reason to hold yourself back from doing what you want. No one can stop you... only you. Life Lesson # 257.... stop being a wuss! Now I've got some plans of my own, and adventures for the future that I can't wait to embark on.
FOR INSTANCE: Next year I'm moving to Maine. Getting out of this toxic town and trying to make something of myself is only a smidgen of the goals I have for next year....
Alright, I realize this post sounds an awful lot like one of those Motivational Speaker's "You Can Do It" speeches... and I promise this is the last one I'll ever post. I've just noticed a lot of people I'm close to go down a dismal path. They can't drag themselves out because they don't want to. They are comfortable in their misery. I can only hope for them that that is the case. That their lives, as horrible as they make them seem, are exactly what they want to do until they die. (I can't imagine that it is, or else they wouldn't cry about it every time I see them.)
Sadder still are the ones who are in a dark, dark place where all they have is their misery (and alcohol) to keep them company. Congrats on being a hermit, losing your wife, kids, and most of your brain cells and liver functions. That kind of person is not what I want to become... and if you're smart, yee'd be wise to steer clear of that path to, arg ye matey!
I digress. Here's to the future. Forget about the past. Live this year, like it's your last. 2010, Reach for the Stars!!! (cue a picture of a unicorn on a rainbow with a teddy bear on his back singing "We are the Champions".)
There are so many things that happen to one's self during the course of a year, it's hard to look back and remember all the important events that made the year a whole. I've realized this year, that there is more to life than there seems to be. Not to say I've been blind to the fact that life holds so many wonders... but I was very naive in thinking my life was to head down one certain path. There are so many people like me who go through life and stick to the safe route so not to get hurt or hurt others. Sometimes you've got to be more than just an android walking around sector 3-C, emotionless, useless, and only existing because you exist. For once, I feel like I'm living my life. I may not be cliff diving or being as extreme as one can be... but with one change in my life, I feel very much alive........ This would be the part where if I were any other kind of person, I'd say something like " My name is Tawni and I'd like to introduce you to the power of Christ....." BUT, I'm very much agnostic, and I've never been one for propaganda.... especially the church kind.
Actually, the only change I made in my life was taking a stand for myself. Finally getting the courage up to do something I was dying to do. It turned out for the best, and even if it didn't work out, at least I did something for myself. At least I didn't go one more day thinking "What if I do this?"..... LIFE IS TOO SHORT!! I'm only 25.... BUT I've been through a LOT!! I've seen friends come and go, I've loved and lost, I've beaten and been beat.... err... uh... no. I mean there is no reason to hold yourself back from doing what you want. No one can stop you... only you. Life Lesson # 257.... stop being a wuss! Now I've got some plans of my own, and adventures for the future that I can't wait to embark on.
FOR INSTANCE: Next year I'm moving to Maine. Getting out of this toxic town and trying to make something of myself is only a smidgen of the goals I have for next year....
Alright, I realize this post sounds an awful lot like one of those Motivational Speaker's "You Can Do It" speeches... and I promise this is the last one I'll ever post. I've just noticed a lot of people I'm close to go down a dismal path. They can't drag themselves out because they don't want to. They are comfortable in their misery. I can only hope for them that that is the case. That their lives, as horrible as they make them seem, are exactly what they want to do until they die. (I can't imagine that it is, or else they wouldn't cry about it every time I see them.)
Sadder still are the ones who are in a dark, dark place where all they have is their misery (and alcohol) to keep them company. Congrats on being a hermit, losing your wife, kids, and most of your brain cells and liver functions. That kind of person is not what I want to become... and if you're smart, yee'd be wise to steer clear of that path to, arg ye matey!
I digress. Here's to the future. Forget about the past. Live this year, like it's your last. 2010, Reach for the Stars!!! (cue a picture of a unicorn on a rainbow with a teddy bear on his back singing "We are the Champions".)
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