Remember, it'll be OKAY?...

There are no words to capture the feeling of missing someone. It's a hole in your heart. It's a pain that won't go away. It's an emptiness. It's all of those things, and none of those things. If you can relate, then I'm sorry.... no one should have to feel this way. If you can't relate, and I hope you can't, then congrats... I hope you never lose anyone in your life.
I don't want to be sad today. It's 3 years ago, today, that my grandma passed away. I want so bad to remember her and not be frustrated and cry, cry .... oh, do I cry! ugh! I have no way of telling her how much I miss her. No way of letting her know how dumb I was as a kid and how much she meant to me. I'm not writing this in hopes that she's looking down from heaven and can see how much I care for her still. I'm writing this in hopes that maybe I can lessen the pain in my heart for today.
My grandma, or Grams as I called her, was more like a mom to me. My sister and I lived with her and my father for almost 9 years. Before my sister was born, my mom, dad, and I lived with Grams and grandpa for about 2 years before we got our own place. Grams was a very sweet lady. She was funny. She loved to sing. She never wore make-up, just a little bit of lipstick to brighten her face.... oh, and on Halloween she loved to dress-up. She didn't swear. All these things don't even explain her to the fullest... there is no way I can make you understand how wonderful she was.
She had cancer. She had cancer on almost every organ in her body at one time or another. She didn't die because she had cancer. There was a hole in her small intestine... probably caused by the treatments for her cancer.... but the hole wasn't able to be operated on because her white blood cell count was so low..... and there was nothing anyone could do for her.
I feel like it's all my fault. Irrational? yup. Impossible? maybe. Why do I feel this way? so many, many reasons....
I digress. She's in a better place... she's not in pain anymore. She's in heaven with grandpa Bates and they're both looking down on us and smiling. Remember, it's okay. Everything is okay. It'll be alright........... when? WHEN WILL IT BE OKAY? 3 years. It's not okay yet. I'm not okay yet. Does it hurt any less? NO! It hurts more. There are events in my life that I want her to be here for. There are memories that I want to share with her. There are parts of her life that I want to know more about. I was far too young to ask her the questions I want to now. AND I'LL NEVER GET THE CHANCE!
Again, I digress.
I'm sorry to be so sad. I'm not emo. I'm not going to cry into my diary while i carve chunks out of my inner thigh...... eww, and ow. However, if that's how you cope, then cope away. I don't know how. Maybe I'm stuck being sad about this forever... I don't want to be. I want to wake up on December 15th every year and treat it like any other day. Oh well. Life goes on, until it doesn't anymore.....