...And Now For Somethng Completely Different

HO! HO! HO! And a Merry almost Christmas to everyone. With the holiday on it's way I'm stuck here wondering " What would I do if there was a zombie apocalypse?".... have no fear kids, I've done far more than the credited hours of research to help you and I live through a zombie overthrow. So if you are wise you'll take a few minutes out of your daily schedule and gander over these fine helpful hints!
Tawni's Do's and Don'ts of a Zombie Apocalypse

Do: Make sure you have plenty of weapons! Baseball bats, pitch forks, hedge trimmers... or any sharp pointy object is very useful! Guns are great, but they run out of ammo. Try not to rely totally on the help of a firearm. Another handy tool for massacring the living dead is a blow torch and some gasoline.

Don't: A chair, a bicycle, and telephones when thrown at the face of a zombie will not bring the zombie down. COME ON PEOPLE!! Think rationally! Do honestly believe that hitting the undead with any kind of object that won't take their head off is effective at all?? If all you have around is stuffed animals and a set of matching velor pillows you cuddle up to every night, then put your head between your knees and kiss your arse good-bye.

Do: Having a posse around that has access to food, shelter, and weapons is very helpful. There are no more minorities, no reason to be racist, and most certainly this is no time to be pig-headed about whom you befriend. It's the living vs. the recently un-deceased.

Don't: Having a posse is great!... just don't get too attached. Having a friend for life or family member with you will only make you more susceptible to getting killed. If you can't picture living your life without the people you're running for your life with, then you're as good as dead. You've got to assume everyone is gonna die.... and I'm not saying that you shouldn't guard them with your life. What I'm saying is, if Granny Smith gets bit in the arm by a zombie... you better be willing to plunge a knitting needle through her ear, or it'll be you next.

Do: Look for other signs of life. If this is just a normal zombie outbreak, then animals are immune. Finding a home where the buffalo roam is a great idea....if they haven't been eaten yet, and you won't be either. However, if it's like 28 days Later, then animals can carry the virus and you're not safe around birds.

Don't: Being around the people you are with is great, be secure in knowing you have people to chat with....... So don't be dumb and go looking for other groups of living people. If you are in a safe and secure place, then stay there (unless you run out of supplies). If there are other living, breathing human beings out there let them find you.... and hope they have the cure (NOT the band the Cure, because they won't help you at all).

Do: Make the most of the situation. If you are lucky enough to be in a super Walmart* or held up in a mall, then consider yourself one of the people who are gonna make it through this blip in world history. If you're not one of those people, then just do the best you can with what you've got. Hopefully you'll be able to tell your story to the future generations.

Don't: Freak out! That helps no one, and going into hysterics only makes others root for your demise. You have to keep a level head or you're as good as dead.... good little saying to remember in case. Oh, and if you aren't the one freaking out, but you are in the presence of someone else who isn't taking the situation well, then try to be sympathetic..... or if you can't take it, slap them. It sounds harsh, but a good smack on the noggin might be what they need to snap out of their heightened hysteria.

Now, remember, I'm not an expert. I'm just a normal lady who has a ridiculous obsession with protecting the ones I love.... and a ridiculous obsession with horror movies. If worse comes to worse, then at least you've got these helpful hints. If not, then I'm just as crazy as Dwight Frye.....